If I'm Going To Be Honest

If I’m going to be Honest

The way you spread your condiments

Just to “mess with my OCD”

Doesn’t really bother me.

If I’m going to be Honest

The way you talk about my depression

“Just think better thoughts”

Hurts more than you know.

If I’m going to be Honest

I can’t really just “get over” my anxiety

If I could, I would have by now

But I can’t.  It’s a road that I must walk.

If I’m going to be Honest

Some days I sleep 14 hours a day

And I still don’t feel rested

But that’s usual, so it’s okay.

If I’m going to be Honest

Some days I only sleep 2 hours

And I feel completely fine

So I take advantage of the energy.

If I’m going to be Honest

Dirty laundry has piled up for weeks

While clean laundry has piled up

Unfolded for almost longer.

If I’m going to be Honest

Condiment spreading techniques

Only apply to me, and my food.

So please, don’t touch my food.

If I’m going to be Honest

My depression is a stalking lion

A lion I sometimes forget about

A lion that is silently waiting.

If I’m going to be Honest

That lion is waiting for me to mess up

Guilt is the biggest trigger

But I’ve become used to guilt…so it’s okay.

If I’m going to be Honest

My anxiety keeps me in constant fear

Frozen fear of what others are saying

Frozen fear of what others are thinking.

If I’m going to be Honest

I feel guilty for sleeping so long

For not getting anything done

But I’m just…so…tired…

If I’m going to be Honest

The days I sleep so little

Give me time to obsess over my faults

Gives me time to obsess over my misconducts.

IF I’m going to be Honest

I feel like a failure as a wife for the laundry

For letting it get out of hand

For not having the energy to keep up.

If I’m going to be Honest

I silently check each lock on each door

And make sure it’s secure several times

Before I can even think of going to bed.

If I’m going to be Honest

I tap peoples shoulder

Only in even numbered groups

But I must punctuate in odd.

If I’m going to be Honest

I force myself to not sit alone at parties

To not untwist the balloons getting tangled

To not smooth out the table cloth.

If I’m going to be Honest

I eat cereal, like Fruit Loops, by color

But only in a defending order

Blue, green, yellow, orange, and then red.

If I’m going to be Honest

I can’t be late going to anything

Especially church or doctors appointments

If I am late, there’s no sense in going.

If I’m going to be Honest

When someone says, “I need to talk to you”

My heart beats 100 times faster

And my pulse spikes.

If I’m going to be Honest

I have to have enough time in the shower

To do every little step

Or I refuse to shower at all.

If I’m going to be Honest

My phone has to be plugged in at night

Despite it being at 79%

It always has to be at 100% for the next day.

If I’m going to be Honest

You would know all these little things about me

But I’m not Honest.  I keep them hidden.

I want to seem normal, and that is all you can see…

If I’m going to be Honest…